


Where is My Mind?

by Nano_Naanoi



Category: Steven Universe (Cartoon)
Genre: Corruption, Descriptive Violence, Eventual Jaspearl, F/F, Longer Chapters (Except the first), Post-Malachite Trauma, SB5 spoilers
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2017-01-17
Updated: 2017-01-17
Packaged: 2018-09-18 02:20:14
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence
Chapters: 1
Words: 2,866
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/9361460
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/Nano_Naanoi/pseuds/Nano_Naanoi
Summary: It wasn’t possible to cure corruption. Pearl knew this; she had watched the love of her life suffer with each failed attempt at reversing it. Time had proven that the corrupted were beyond help.She couldn’t allow Steven to suffer the way Rose did.:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:Set during/after SB5. Warning for mild spoilers, and Jasper herself.





	

:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:

“Tell me, Jasper... Am I _really_ the defective one?”

Her whisper rang throughout the Burning Room, breaking the peaceful silence. Garnet was out on a mission. Amethyst was off doing... something, and Steven was somewhere safe with Connie.

The details didn’t matter; Pearl knew she would be undisturbed for the time being.

Pearl stared at the lavender bubble before her, orange gem resting harmlessly within. It had taken her hours to find _her_ bubble among the countless others scattered throughout the room, carefully checking any gem that Amethyst had contained to ensure that she found the right one. At first, she was overwhelmed with the sheer amount of gems she had to sort through. Amethyst had bubbled far less than either Garnet or herself, but she had still sealed hundreds of gems in her time as a Crystal Gem.

With enough patience, however, she finally found what she was looking for, and her goal was quite literally in hand.

“... I still don’t understand what he sees in you,” she said softly after a moment, remembering the cruelty of the gem suspended in its bubble. Such a horrid Quartz, unlike Rose or even Amethyst. Jasper had abused almost everything she came in contact with, whether it be physically or verbally. Of the four of them --- five counting Garnet’s components --- Pearl had had the fewest encounters with the elite Quartz, but even that was enough to leave a poor impression.

Jasper had called her defective.

_Defective._

“Honestly, how can you be of the same class as Rose and Amethyst? I find it hard to believe that you share the Quartz name. Rose was the exact opposite of you: kind, beautiful, lovely... and though Amethyst and I have our disagreements, she isn’t _cruel_ the way you are. Speaking of Amethyst..." Pearl added, “you were the worst to her. Though, the two of you should have been like ‘sisters,’ as a human would say. You’re from Earth, just like her, and yet you acted so high and mighty.”

She smirked at the bubble.

“How the mighty has fallen. You became the very thing you looked down on. _Corrupted_. I suppose there is justice on this world after all.”

Upon saying those words, however, Pearl felt a twinge of guilt. _No one_ , no matter how vile, deserved something like corruption. Not even the Diamonds themselves deserved such a fate.

Rose would be disappointed in her.

“L-look... I shouldn’t have said that. It’s just... you were so awful. To all of us. You represented everything Rose fought against, and you were a symbol of the very authority we detested. You separated Ruby and Sapphire. You hurt Steven. You actually _poofed_ Amethyst, and... you insulted me.”

She knew it was only an insult. She wasn’t physically harmed, as the others were, but the damage from Jasper’s words still lingered.

“Calling me defective,” Pearl said quietly, “Is hardly the worst thing you’ve done. However, it was a line you should not have crossed.”

She couldn’t forgive Jasper easily. Yet somehow, Steven had.

“You know, he’s been concerned about you ever since you corrupted. I can’t imagine why, but it’s the truth. And, you know what, Jasper?” Her voice fell to a whisper, clutching the bubble with as much force as possible without actually popping it.

Steven’s last remark about Jasper came to mind. Days had passed since the incident, but Pearl still felt the same anger and pain she had experienced that day.

“... It needs to _stop_.”

:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:

Steven had been obsessed with corruption for the past few weeks. Ever since that disastrous training session with Stevonnie, Steven had been discussing Jasper’s corruption more and more, much to the discomfort of the other gems. It was almost as if Rose herself had come back to life, trying once more to fix what had been broken beyond repair.

It had begun to unnerve Pearl.

_“Steven. It’s not that we don’t trust you,” Garnet had said gently, “but Jasper is a very volatile being. Restoring her to her former state is a decision that would prove to be... very..."_

_“Straight-up awful?” Amethyst interjected._

_“Yes. That.”_

_“But, that’s not fair!” Steven cried, almost sobbing in frustration. “Everyone deserves another chance! We gave Peridot one, and Lapis one too!”_

_“That was different.”_

_“How?! Is this about the whole ‘trying to kill me’ thing? Because it doesn’t bother me any more!”_

_“Yes, Steven!” Pearl squawked indignantly, “This is about the whole ‘trying to kill you’ thing! And not just that,” she added with a glance at the other gems, “but all of the other atrocities she has committed against us.”_

_“Gotta agree with P there,” the Amethyst added, crossing her arms at the distraught boy. “Jasper’s got some bad vibes. Besides, she’s all, ‘YOU KILLED MY DIAMOND!’ and ‘EARTH IS A PRISON,’ you know? Not to mention she hates you, since you got your mom’s gem and all.”_

_“Amethyst is right.” Garnet sat down next to Steven, who was rapidly deflating with each retort the gems provided. “I know you want to help,” she said softly, cupping the boy’s face in one hand, “but Jasper is just too dangerous. She still believes that you are your mother. She isn’t likely to take any help from the gem who-”_

_Garnet stopped._

_“... Killed Pink Diamond? You know,” Steven looked up, “you can just say it. I know mom shattered her.”_

_“Steven…”_

_The boy straightened. The other gems waited, tensing with each passing second._

_“I just thought... that she and I would have a lot in common.”_

_The room was silent, until Pearl ventured a response._

_“... How, Steven?”_

_More silence._

_“How,” Pearl pressed on, “are you_ anything _like her?”_

_Garnet and Amethyst nodded, watching the boy intently. He frowned at Pearl, and then at the others as he jumped out of his seat. Steven began to pace back and forth, brows knitted deep in concentration._

_“... We both lost our mom.”_

_Pearl gasped in horror at Steven, who turned to look her directly in the eyes. Garnet grimaced, and Amethyst hid her face behind her bangs._

_“What? It’s true! Pink Diamond was like her mom, right? She made her. And my mom made me.”_

_“B-but..." Pearl glanced at the others, hoping for support but receiving none, “t-that’s different, Steven! The Diamonds did.... horrible things to planets. They took life..."_

_Amethyst flinched. Garnet frowned in response._

_“Yeah? And? My mom did the same,” Steven lifted his shirt to reveal his gem, “she took_ her own _life.”_

_Garnet sucked in her breath while Amethyst’s head shot upward in shock. Tears stung the corners of Pearl’s eyes, and the boy instantly regretted his words._

_“Pearl, I’m sorry. I didn’t mean-”_

_Silence had fallen over the room once more._

_Pearl closed her eyes, images of Rose and Pink Diamond’s shattering flashing through her mind. It wasn’t Steven’s fault. He didn’t know how much pain those words caused, and he was right. If the Diamonds were seen as mothers, as Steven had suggested, then Jasper did in fact lose hers._

_It didn’t make the words any easier to hear, however._

_“... You’re right,” Steven whispered, “Jasper’s done awful things. She hurt you guys. She hurt me. And now, I’m hurting you because of her.”_

_“Steven..." Pearl murmured._

_“I’m sorry. I’m so sorry.”_

_“Steven... Come here..."_

_Pearl outstretched her arms, the boy padding over in response. He wrapped his small arms around her, and Pearl embraced him with her own. They held each other like that for a few moments._

_“I won’t try to fix Jasper,” he said in a muffled voice, “not any time soon.”_

_“Thank you.”_

_“I just... felt guilty. That’s all…” He started to sniffle, holding Pearl more tightly than before. The tall gem looked down, surprise evident on her features. What could he possibly feel guilty about? Steven didn’t do anything wrong._

_“Why, Stee-man?” Amethyst hopped down from her seat, walking over to Steven and placing an arm around his shoulder. “Homegirl went crazy. None of us saw it coming. Not even Garnet… right?” The fusion nodded._

_“... I-It’s my fault that J-Jasper got the way s-she did.”_

_“Oh, Steven...”_

_“None of this is your fault,” Garnet said softly._

_“... It doesn’t feel that way.”_

It was then that the conversation ended.

After that emotional episode, Steven hadn’t mentioned Jasper again. Pearl later apologized to Amethyst, knowing her reference to the Kindergartens was out of line. They held each other for awhile, and she reassured the Quartz that she was loved and was still the only good to come out of that whole mess. She had a quiet talk with Garnet in the Burning Room about Steven’s outburst; they both agreed that Steven should eventually dabble in possible cures for corruption, but that they shouldn’t allow him to attempt it anytime soon. Everything had seemingly returned to normal after that.

But Pearl still couldn’t shake the feeling that something was still wrong.

She still felt that Steven might try something.

Something _dangerous_.

:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:

“... He thinks it’s his fault that you snapped."

Pearl glared at the gemstone, venom seeping into her veins at the memory. The brute wasn’t even active, yet that vile Quartz _still_ managed to cause Steven pain.

Something had to be done.

“For some reason,” she said as if the Quartz could actually hear her, “Steven wants to help you. He thinks he can... cure it. Your corruption, I mean. But..."

She trailed off, thinking of the the times when Rose had tried to help the corrupted gems they encountered. Rose always got her hopes up, thinking that _‘it will be different this time’_ and that _‘there has to be a way to save them,_ ’ no matter how many times she had failed.

And each failure _destroyed_ Rose.

Pearl could still hear her weeping, tears falling in a hopeless attempt to save something that could no longer be salvaged. But then, that weeping turned to broken sobs each time she had failed. Pearl watched helplessly as the woman she loved grew more and more distraught, eventually becoming inconsolable when the two of them were alone. Rose felt that she had failed, that she was somehow _unworthy_ of being a Crystal Gem, simply because she could not remedy something they didn’t even understand in the first place.

“... I came to a decision,” Pearl continued, pushing away her sullen memories of Rose, “and I decided that you need to be locked away..."

She leaned closely to the bubble, hoping the dormant gem could somehow feel her intensity.

“... Where he can’t reach you.”

Pearl straightened.

“I wish I didn’t have to do this, but I don’t have any other choice. Steven might search for you on his own,” Pearl said, voice growing strong with determination. “I... I saw what all of this did to Rose. I don’t even want to _think_ of what Steven would go through.”

She couldn’t let Steven suffer the way Rose did.

“You’re coming with me, Jasper,” she said, glancing up at the puddle that led to Amethyst’s room. It was too dangerous to risk staying in Garnet’s room any longer. She would have to navigate to her own room through there; she could have used the main door to the temple, but that option was far too risky and on the small chance someone came back to the temple early, she didn’t want to find herself explaining why she was holding _Jasper’s gemstone_ of all things. Hopefully, Amethyst wouldn’t be in her room either.

With a few graceful leaps to the correct opening, she found herself in the disaster zone Amethyst had the nerve to call a room. _Honestly,_ Pearl thought bitterly, _who could live in this filth?_ It was tempting to simply leave Jasper in one of the random piles of clutter Amethyst had collected, but knowing her luck the small Quartz would find it, or worse, _the bubble would actually pop against something._

The last thing she needed was another ‘Slinker’ incident.

Besides, she knew Amethyst often allowed Steven into her room, and for some reason unbeknownst to Pearl he actually enjoyed being in it. If Steven were to find Jasper... it would defeat the purpose of everything she was doing.

Luckily, Pearl knew exactly where the opening that led to her room was located. Amethyst had broken into her room so many times by that point that Pearl had honestly considered sealing it shut, but a stern warning from Garnet had dissuaded the Quartz from making any further attempts to trespass into Pearl’s territory. Besides, the two had been getting along better, and Amethyst was now less likely to intentionally antagonize Pearl, much to the latter’s delight.

And where Pearl would hide her, Jasper was sure to remain undiscovered.

Once she reached her destination, Pearl leapt through the opening and into the welcoming sight of her pristine room. She instantly felt herself relax; she had made it without getting caught by one of the other gems. Pearl knew she had taken too long to find Jasper, and she was growing more unnerved with each passing second. She _really_ didn’t want to explain her actions, because she knew that saying _“It’s to protect Steven!”_ wasn’t a good enough excuse for breaking into everyone else’s rooms and stealing their enemy’s bubble.

She had already crossed the line with Garnet by tricking her into fusing. Amethyst might start breaking into her room again because Pearl had trespassed. And _Steven_ would lose trust in Pearl, thinking she didn’t trust him _not_ to do something dangerous.

Pearl bit her lip in worry. She already regretted her hasty decision.

“... It’s not that I _don’t_ trust him,” she said softly to the bubble in her hands, “but lately... he’s been trying to do things on his own. _Dangerous_ things. He got so far with the Centipe- I mean, Nephrite, but it made him so upset when he… failed. Just like Rose did. I remember how sad it made her...”

She paused, remembering the tears Rose had shed over her failures. That weeping still haunted her.

“... And you know? There was nothing I could do to help her. This will sound petty of me, but I really hated those corrupted gems. _They made her suffer_. I wish... that she could have seen how hopeless it all was.”

Pearl glared at the bubble, knowing the same would only happen to Steven.

“... You’ve caused enough damage, Jasper. To Steven, Amethyst, and everyone else. Remember, you brought this on _yourself_ , and you have absolutely no one else to blame.”

In the distance, she heard the familiar chime of a warp pad being activated. She activated her armory, watching as her assortment of swords rose from the water beneath her. _Let this work,_ she thought to herself as she carefully placed the bubble in an empty slot between two swords. She wasn’t entirely sure if her armory would accept a bubble, but it was worth a try. If all else failed, she could always hide the bubble in the curtains above her. It’d be more visible, but still unlikely to be seen unless someone was deliberately looking upward.

For a brief moment, she thought the armory would accept it. But her hopes were dashed when the armory refused to retract. Pearl frowned, wondering if it were somehow possible to _force_ the room to accept it. She tried again, rearranging the swords so that the bubble could rest in a different location, but her efforts were in vain.

“See? Not even the room wants you,” she muttered, reaching out to take hold of the bubble once more.

Pearl watched as the armory disappeared in the water below. Perhaps it was for the better. Jasper might have enjoyed being surrounded weaponry, and Pearl wouldn’t have felt right knowing Jasper might actually be comfortable where she was hidden.

“Well! Onto the next plan, then.”

Pearl glanced upward, calculating where the bubble would be least visible through the curtains. Perhaps where they all met? The layering of the curtains would be thickest there; setting Jasper above it would make the bubble rather inconspicuous to the untrained eye. She could almost pass it off as decoration of sorts.

At least, that _was_ the plan.

She jumped when she heard a sharp “P!” come from the opening leading to Amethyst’s room. The Quartz sounded panicked, if not downright terrified.

“W-What?! What happened?!”

“It’s Garnet! Something happened to Greg! I’m coming into get you-”

“Wait!” Pearl shrilled, trying not to let the panic seep into her voice, “I n-need a moment! Don’t come in yet!”

An exasperated sigh could be heard from Amethyst’s room. “Clean up later, P! Greg’s in trouble, and we _don’t_ have time for this! I know ya said not to, but I’m coming in anyway! You can get back at me later!”

“Amethyst! _Wait_!”

Pearl felt her throat constrict in horror. If she didn’t hide Jasper immediately, she would be caught. She didn’t have time to hide her gemstone in the curtains and the armory was useless.

And then, a thought occurred to her.

The consequences could be dangerous. Deadly, even. But she was running out of time.

“ _PEARL!”_

:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:

Not knowing what else to do, she shoved the bubble into her own gem.

:-:---:-----| -:- | x | -:- |-----:---:-:

**Author's Note:**

> Bad move, Pearl. Also, later chapters will be longer. I just wanted to give a preview for the story.  
> And yes, Pearl doesn't think much of Jasper. But don't worry. That'll change. Eventually. 
> 
> Jasper is my favorite character, after all.


End file.
